ALL MEN

#ALLMEN

#virtuesignalling

THIS IS A BLOG FOR MEN.  IT IS NOT FOR WOMEN. 

Not to discriminate, just so everyone knows.  And also to make sure it’s not telling the people who already know all of it through lived experience know I’m not trying to tell them about their lived experience.

So, to be perfectly clear: this is a blog for men, because #allwomen know it all already, but #notallmen do.

Also because it’s partly about why #mendontknow and #womenknow, and why a man is writing this about women.  So, it will sound very basic to anyone who has thought about it at all.  But it needs saying.

The amount of women saying “Me too” to the epidemic of sexual harassment and everyday sexism.  That’s what it’s about, this blog, this attempt to be helpful in some way, without just trying to Say The Right Thing – which, if you think about it, is probably the very least we should do – and because it’s very possible to do that dishonestly, it’s maybe not that helpful at all.

If we find it necessary, in reaction to the above, to say it’s #notallmen, maybe we haven’t understood the scale of the problem.  Even if it’s not all men doing all the horrible shit, it does seem like it is all women experiencing it.  And that’s what the problem is: it’s enough men doing it to enough women to make it normal.  Any of it is bad – but it being normal is completely unacceptable and must be challenged until it is not normal and men – as a group – can be trusted to behave themselves.

Isn’t it a shame to have to say it, to have to be explicit about this?  (I don’t like to be explicit, and prefer to be sophistic and/or polemical and/or creative.)  It’s a shame to have to say that we’re not in favour of sexual harassment and sexual assault, but it happens enough that it is worth saying that we’re against it enough to say it.  It’s a disgrace, in fact.  The fact of it and the fact that it's so necessary, now, in the 21st century, to have to spell this out.

Well, yes, but there’s worse things than having to say we’re one of the many people who are willing to say this is awful and we have to change it, and one of the much smaller number of people that are willing to do something about it.
Worse things include: having experienced it, but fearing that talking about it will adversely affect your safety, wellbeing, or career, and dominated every conversation you’ve ever had, or not had because no one would listen.  Or all of these and more.

It’s political correctness gone mad, isn’t it?

No.  Not being The Bad Guy doesn’t seem to be enough to make The Bad Guys look at and improve their own behaviour.  And it’s not enough to say we’re not as bad as the worst people.  That’s the shittest excuse ever, like the leaders of the UK and USA saying that although they may have created a sectarian bloodbath in Iraq, it’s not as bad as Saddam, is it?  It doesn't set an ambitiously high standard of behaviour.

If we’re willing to have a think about it, and consider how our own behaviour is, or might have been problematic…

…and respond to criticism or suggestions without being defensive…

…and if we’re ready to hear some uncomfortable things and not expect a medal for hearing it, and recognise that it’s harder to live the stories of abuse than hear about them later…

…and listen to other people’s lived experience without ignoring it, belittling it or arguing about it….

…and if we don’t relate to the issue solely by reminding everyone that we have female relatives (“As a father of three beautiful daughters, I’ve just realised I’m disgusted by the world’s most famous film producer/president…” (Presumably, without the daughters, it wouldn’t bother us))…

And if we’d like to do something useful without grandstanding and making it all about me/you/us…

And if we just want to help, without nauseating virtue-signalling or #whitelivesmattertoo or #notallmen ignorance, and we think we know why that stuff is so awful…

…and if we know it’s men’s problem, first and foremost, how men in a patriarchal society treat women, and want to find ways to work together to make it better…

…and if, despite all of the above, those of us who are male and really want to help, understand that we should spend some time listening and not talking and considering and not arguing…

…but also not be afraid to speak up, particularly when men do the horrible things we have recently heard about…

…and that all this is a start, at best…

Well…

Maybe that's what we need from men.  Yes, ALL MEN.

Let’s push things forward.